Shutting Down

Today was my 4th wedding anniversary. It was the single worst day of my life.

It really started on Thursday night when my husband didn't come home from work. The next day he sent me a text message saying he stayed at a friends house and they were going to the Orioles game. And then he didn't come home again Friday night. Saturday was Passover and the girls and I were waiting all day for him to come pick us up and take us to the Seder. He finally came and got us but we didn't get there until 7 p.m., about 6 hours late. Today he was taking a shower when his phone starts going off and when I pick it up there is a text message from a phone number that isn't programmed into his phone. It says "I want to hang out" and then a winking face. It seemed weird to me that someone who knows him well enough to want to hang out wouldn't be programmed in his phone because even the Dominos is programmed in there. So I interrupted his shower because I had such a strange urgent feeling about it. He saw me holding his phone and I could literally see the panic on his face before I had even said anything. I knew then. He didn't even have to tell me.

And so after a short confrontation I lost it. I hit him and I hit him until he fell over. And then I kicked him too until I saw the water running down the drain was red. And then of course I felt awful and insane and I laid down on the floor and cried for a long time. I don't condone domestic violence in any situation and I can only be grateful that he didn't retaliate or call the police.

And to pour salt in an open wound I know this woman, Amanda. She's sat at my dinner table, she's played with our children and she even came over to help me keep up with the house when I was going through cancer treatment. What a lovely woman, I always thought, so hardworking and generous. I know her boyfriend and now I wonder if he knows. And can you believe it - she's an amputee, she's only got one real leg. It didn't even take a whole woman to take Justin from me.

I'm not planning to try and work things out with Justin. How could he trust me after I attacked him like that? How could I ever let him out of my sight without wondering if he's got his pants on? I literally feel like an entire part of me is gone, like we really were one flesh and he's been ripped out of me. It's amazing how sad I feel, I've never felt anything close, not even at a funeral of a friend or family member. I really loved him with my whole heart, it wasn't just something I put on for this blog. And I would have bet, not only my own life, but the lives of our children that this would never happen to us. Oh no, it couldn't ever happen to me! Not when I try to hard to make him happy. It just couldn't. Why would he not want a woman who plans every moment of her day around him, who thinks of things she could do to help him in her spare time instead of talking on the phone or watching television? Who literally makes notes of what he says about the food she makes just so she can try to do better the next day or remember what he likes? Who lets him have all the freedom he wants to go to games or bars with friends and never lays a guilt trip on him? Who never questions his decisions and never argues or back talks? Who trains their children to be well behaved and respect him and be thrilled nearly to pieces every time they see him? Who never complained about living off of four hours of sleep every night so she stay up to please him and never once rolled her eyes with irritation when he came to her?

He says it started out as just coworkers hanging out. Who can resist an amputee I always say. I guess he had no choice. It seems like the harder I tried to submit to him the more he took advantage of me. "Of course I can stay the night, Ashley won't say anything." "Of course we can go to bed together, Ashley won't question me." What was I thinking? Here I was trying to live a heavenly marriage and I was just pushing him down the path of sin. I guess I had it wrong after all.

I feel so bad for the children. Here I am thinking about what blessings children are and wanting to bring more into the world. Well, it turns out the world is a living hell and I feel so sorry that I got them into this. I've never wanted anything but happiness for them and now I've failed at that too. The poor things spent the day wiping tears off my cheeks and asking me to stop crying. My father used to say "Everybody sucks and everybody lies" and I was naive enough to think he was just pessimistic. Not my husband, I thought, who loves me like Christ loves the Church.

When Justin heard that I was not considering staying together he got upset too and called me names I've never heard him say before to anyone and left for his parents house saying never to call him or email him or text him again and that he never wanted to see us for the rest of his life. And just this morning he was making love to me and telling me how much he needs me. Just this morning he played football with the girls and smooched and sung to Lump (which is what we call unborn babies). What a difference 12 hours can make. Luckily I have a prenump entitling me to enough money to live on but I can't file for divorce for two years here in Pennsylvania. If only we hadn't moved two weeks ago, or I had found out before we settled on this place . . .

And so I am shutting down the blog. Obviously it makes no sense for me to keep a blog about trying to be a helpmeet when I have failed miserably. I don't have to energy to moderate comments, so if you have comments waiting to be published (there are quite a few) you are out of luck. Sorry and thanks for reading everyone. Most of you were very supportive during the short time I had this blog. And I'm sorry this post was so long.

Blog Comments

If you've commented on my blog you've noticed that I moderate them. I do this so I'm sure that I read through each comment individually and I don't miss any. I'm sure I would probably delete any hateful comments because who wants to read that on a blog they are visiting? But so far I have published every single comment I've gotten.

Some woman named Elena has followed me over from another woman's blog, where I commented that I agreed with her that the Catholic church is full of lies or something. I can't even remember exactly what I wrote. And now she has apparently taken it upon herself to try to convert me back. Well I HATE the Catholic church. That's right, I said it, I HATE the Catholic church. I went because it was my husband's church of choice and I am so glad to be free! And this is really no woman to be giving out religious advice. Scroll down to my "Missing Church" post to see her first comment to me (her second one was more appropriate and located on my "Back to the Drawing Board" post). This is part of what I had to say back to her:

"The first thing I thought of when I read your comment was "Thus they bring judgment on themselves, because they have broken their first pledge. Besides, they get into the habit of being idle and going about from house to house. And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to" (1 Timothy 5:12-13). Are you going blog to blog posting comments to people who responded positively to Candy's blog post? Are you gossiping about her? Do you think the Lord is pleased or disgusted by your actions and words? On my blog you wrote "If she really thinks she is correct, she should have no problem defending her position in a logical, persuasive and compelling manner. She won't. I'm guessing because she can't." You are writing about Candy in a negative way to me, when you have no business doing so. Please try to keep the 10 Commandments in mind throughout your daily life. "Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor" and "Love your neighbor as yourself" are two that come to mind that you may need to work on."

I do not want negative comments on my blog. I do not log in here to be annoyed or irritated. This blog should not be a place to argue about things. If you like what I have to say or we have things in common, wonderful! If not, keep your negativity off my blog.

But the comment that bothered me the most was from sehrgut who wrote "I must admit I'm curious as to why your husband's asked you to pick the church, rather than doing so himself."

First of all let me say this, I do not expect anyone to ever leave a comment even hinting negativity towards my husband. If there is anything in this world that will throw me into a rage, it is someone disrespecting my husband. And as a response to your curiosity, he did not ask me to "pick the chuch." As I wrote very specifically in my previous post, he asked me to do research on the various denominations that are located in our area. RESEARCH. To quote your most recent blog post "Have feminists really won so much ground that even conservative Christians are believing the farce that housewifery is a lesser task for lesser minds, and women who think are above it?"

Your comment seems so hypocritical now that I've read your blog. You claim that women do not have to be stupid to be housewives and that you want someone "can have deep intellectual conversations" but at the same time you feel that a woman cannot be trusted to
1. Search all the churches within driving distance
2. Locate their websites online
3. Read to find out if their beliefs match ours
4. Contact the church with further questions
5. Present a short list of possible churches to my husband for us to visit

My husband only asked me to help him. Strange, I know, considering God created me to be his helpmeet. Don't you think I know what my own husband's beliefs are? Don't you think I know what is important to him? And without a doubt my husband will take my hand and lead me right out of a church that I suggested if it is not right for us. I am not "picking the church." My husband has veto power, as always.

I don't know what you do all day, sehrgut, because I don't know you at all. But my husband is much too busy to be bothered with things like Google. He works 12 or 16 hour shifts 6 days a week. When he is at home and not sleeping he is bonding with our children, not sitting in front of a computer screen (or television for that matter). He is visiting with friends or family, taking me out, or maybe just sitting outside with the sun on his face. And when the day is through and the work is done, he is certainly much too busy laying me down to spend time reading websites.

My job as a helpmeet is not through when the floors are shiny and the dishes are clean. Anything I can do to make his life easier and more enjoyable is important to me. And if that means doing some research in my spare time, then that's what I'm going to do. And I don't expect some stranger to question him.

To my kind readers - I'm sorry to be so grouched in this post. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones mixed with the comment about my husband, but I got all kinds of upset. I'll be back soon to post what I had originally logged on to write about, which was really not negative at all :) And thank you so much to those who wrote helpful comments suggesting churches.

Back to the Drawing Board

My husband and I went to a Lutheran Church last week. We found that they taught from the Book of Concord, give infant baptisms, and allow female pastors. This is not the church for us. My husband has asked me to do some research and to try to find "the one" before we go to a new church. I feel like there are so many denominations out there that I hardly know where to start. Obviously, this is a decision we have to make on our own, but out of curiosity (if you feel comfortable sharing of course) what church do you attend?

We just want a church that we feel follows the perfect Word of God as He wrote it in the Bible. Is that so much to ask? :)

(Also, totally off topic - our grass started to grow!!! We'll be outside rolling around in it in no time!)

Get Me Out of Here!

Life has not yet returned to normal at our house. I am still busy with unpacking and setting up rooms and all that jazz, so the girls have spent a lot of time couped up in the house. Too much time apparently.

Yesterday Cayly saw that our neighbors kids were outside playing in their yard while she was helping me clean inside. Out of nowhere she runs over to the window and starts banging on it while screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!" I'm sure that family now thinks I'm some sort of crazy monster because I was too busy laughing hysterically to pull her away from the window before they noticed. When I did finally make it over I waved to them and they just looked at me, clearly concerned. Ah well, so much for making a good first impression.

In response to her outburst I loaded the kids up and took them hiking and for a picnic. And then today I took them to the zoo and out to lunch. Tomorrow and all of next week we have to stay home to meet with delivery men or repair men, but we are going to try and make the most of this weekend while we are free. The poor babes can't even go out to play in the yard because the grass hasn't grown in yet so it's just mud and straw.

One day we will get back to our normal daily lives. And I can hardly wait to really be able to enjoy the new house.

I got a copy!

Jess, a very generous reader, has sent me a free copy of "Created To Be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. I'm alittle over a hundred pages in and it is quite an interesting read. I think that Mrs. Pearl has a very negative view of men in general, but that only makes me appreciate my Sweet Love all the more because compared to the men she discusses in her book he is really quite nearly a saint! I do feel that she has some very good advice on how to change our very soul, not just our outward actions, into one of submission and reverence for our husbands. As I have mentioned on here before, I still sometimes feel anger or resentment towards my own DH, but I bite my tongue and do what I need to do. There is one part of the book which talks about a woman avoiding her husbands eyes after he has upset her and I thought, "That's me!" I do that because I don't want him to see the anger in my eyes, but the fact is that there shouldn't be any anger in my eyes when I look at him! I am looking forward to finishing the book and trying to make some of these changes in myself. Growing into a helpmeet does not happen overnight (unfortunately for my Sweet Love) but I'm going to keep working at it. I thank the Lord that He blessed me with such a patient and understanding man. Earlier today he was flipping through the book and he said to me, "I don't even know why you are reading this. Don't you know that you are already more than I ever even prayed for?" What a soft heart my man of stone has!!!

And a big special THANK YOU to Jess, who sent me this book to help me in my journey.

Cervical Cancer Risk Up 90% for Pill Users

Now that I've moved I'm about two hours from my old NFP doctor. We don't use NFP but I prefer to go to a doctor who doesn't try to shove pills down my throat. So I was looking on the One More Soul website for a new doctor in my area. While I was there I found this article here: http://www.omsoul.com/newsview.php?idnum=173

"A group of researchers from Oxford University in England has just published a comprehensive analysis of research connecting hormonal contraceptive use (the Pill and similar medications) to cancer of the cervix. They found that women who used the Pill for five years or more had a 90% higher (almost double) likelihood of having cervical cancer than women who never used it, and that women still had a higher risk of cervical cancer as much as 10 years after they stopped using the Pill."

Can you believe it? I am so blessed to have a husband who was quiverfull from the day we were married so I never had to swallow any of that poison. I guess it really shows what happens to our bodies when we do things that are unnatural to it.

We Are Pregnant Again!!!

I just found out that we are pregnant again this morning :)

The past few days I have been GROUCHY in a serious way and falling asleep all over the place (on the floor, on the couch, at the table) and tired all of the time. I've had a headache for days that just won't quit and I can hardly eat I feel so nauseous all the time. Well I just attributed it all to stress from moving because Justin and I certainly haven't had hardly any time for baby making lately. But then this morning I was getting dressed when I noticed a strange tingling in my chest and I knew I had to go buy a pregnancy test. I never have that feeling unless I'm pregnant. In my excitment to get the girls in the car to go to the store I knocked over a container of gasoline and it broke, spilling gas all over my favorite shoes and the garage floor. I changed my shoes and put on extra purfume and we left anyways. Without thinking I bought clay cat litter and put it down on the spill before taking the pregnancy test so now I'm alittle freaked out about that because I know pregnant women are not supposed to be near that stuff for some reason or another. I'm also concerned because I've been moving all kinds of heavy furniture and boxes and working myself constantly trying to unpack. Not to mention that I haven't had a single fresh veggie or fruit all week because of all the moving chaos! But so far I haven't had any miscarriage signs so I am still hopeful that this baby will be born in the winter! The amount of hcg must be pretty strong because it didn't even take 10 seconds for the positive result to show. I sat there watching it for about 5 minutes to make sure the results didn't fade or anything. I just could hardly believe that the Lord would bless me again so quickly!

My family is coming over this afternoon to see the new house and visit for awhile and I think I'm going to just tell them right away. I'm too friggin excited to keep it a secret! My children probably think I've gone nutty, because I went from being grouched to grinning constantly.

I am still worried about miscarrying because of the last two. I guess I'm going to have to do some research and find out what kind of medication to take to reduce the risk and where I can find it. I'm going to have to find a new doctor up here in PA now too. And of course I'll be praying nearly incessantly :)

Pennsylvania Residents

We are now officially moved into our new home! I am in love with the new place, although it still needs some work. The grass seed hasn't grown yet and none of the windows have blinds and the heat to our bedroom isn't working (the rest of the house is warm though), but overall we are really pleased with it. The girls didn't have too much trouble adjusting. Cayly asks me every night if we can go home tomorrow and she sleeps under her covers with not even a toe or a hair sticking out, but otherwise she seems fine with the move. I'm exhausted from moving and unpacking so I'm going to bed early tonight. . . even if it is freezing in my room :)

Green Light

We finally got everything worked out with the loan peeps today, so we are definitely moving on Monday. Now I just have to pack the other half of the house. . . by myself. Who am I kidding, I could never pack all of this by myself. Luckily I have the Lord to help me along :)

Someone told me about a book called "Created to be his Helpmeet," has anyone read it? It sounds like something I would like and I'm thinking about asking for it for my birthday. Reviews, anyone?

I can't wait until next week!

Our moving date is coming up on the 31st. . . we're still not sure if we're moving but we're packing just in case. I just can't wait for it to be over with. Most of the toys are packed up now so I let the girls watch a video this afternoon. Then, tonight before bed while we were praying Cayly said, "And please bless the t.v."

I can't wait to get back to our nearly t.v.-free existence! And to have all the stress of moving and buying a home over with! We took the girls to see the house today for the first time, at first they were alittle weirded out, but by the time we left they were pretty excited. I hope they like it :)

Agoraphobics in the Making

Today my small sweet loves were out on the deck squirting each other with water squirters and smearing chalk all over the place while I was folding laundry on the other side of the glass door. Suddenly the girls are pounding and screaming and crying absolutely hysterically at the door for me to let them in (they can actually open the door but they were apparently too distraught to think to do it). It took me a few minutes to calm them down enough to even get them to speak clearly. I found out that they were upset because they thought they heard a bee buzzing.

My poor babes, they are destined to a life of hysteria and panic. I'm nearly sure they will end up like me, watching the outdoors from behind a glass door. I wish they would listen to me when I tell them that they have nothing to be afraid of because they are not allergic to bees. We had them both tested as infants be to sure.

I found out that I was allergic to insect stings while undergoing a long series of testing before my adoption back in Ukraine. Thankfully I had never been stung before then because I go into immediate anaphylactic shock. Since coming to America I have been stung 3 times. The experience of going into shock is absolutely traumatizing and I am willing to admit that I am completely hysterical whenever I hear a buzzing, even if it is just a fly.

The first two times I was stung I was with family members because I was still a young child. They were able to inject me with my EpiPen nearly immediately and get me to the hospital quickly, so although it is always terrifying experience, I didn't feel completely out of control. The third time I was stung I was at a pool party at a friends house. I was climbing up the diving board when I was stung on the leg by a bee. I passed out from lack of oxygen before I could even get to my EpiPen which was near the house in my bag. When I fell over I cracked my head open on the concrete. Thank the Lord one of my friends found my EpiPen and figured out how to use it before I died or sustained any permanent damage to my brain or other organs. I do have a large scar on my head, but it is covered by hair so even that isn't a big deal now. The biggest scar that day left me with was a realistic, albeit phoba-esque, view of my allergies. I have never been able to fight the panic that overcomes me when I hear that buzzing sound since then.

And now my girls, just two and one, are acting the same way because they are learning that is how to respond to insects. Suggestions would be appreciated, but I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it.

Back to Blogging

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since I wrote on here. I was out of town for awhile and since then we have just been dealing with preparing to move and potty training. We are still not sure if we will be moving or not, but if we are then our moving date is March 31st. I wish they would let me know already because if not we need to find somewhere to rent!

The 18th was my husband's birthday and we went out on our first date in over a year. We had a lot of fun.

Easter was also fun, we went to a party and the girls got to color Easter eggs, cookies and have an egg hunt. Personally, I don't celebrate Easter in a religious sense because I am thankful for His sacrifice every day and He commanded us to observe Passover before His death, so I do. In Acts 12:4 we find mention of Easter ("And when he had apprehended him, he put him in prison, and delivered him to four quaternions of soldiers to keep him; intending after Easter to bring him forth to the people." - KJV) but the original word there is pascha which is translated to mean Passover in every other occurance in the Bible. Easter actually has pagan origins and the Lord hates pagans. I go to church on Easter because I go to church every Sunday. I went to the party because it had no religious conotation or references, just kids celebrating spring. And I love spring so I'm okay with that :)

I could go on about Easter but Cayly found a cucumber in the fridge she wants me to cut up for her. Thanks for reading!

My Gigi

I found a copy of my great-grandmother's obituary online:

KOPPERSTON — Amalee Williams Blankenship, 87, answered Gods’ call Monday, March 10, 2008. Born Sept. 15, 1920, in Pike County, Ky., she was the daughter of the late Sidney and Caroline Snodgrass Williams.She was a very loving and caring mother. Amalee was a member of the Wyoming County Retired Teachers Association, having taught in Wyoming County for 20 years. She got an A.S. degree from Beckley College and a B.A. from Bluefield State College. She had previously sold World Book Encyclopedias and was the top representative in the nation.Amalee was a member of Kopperston Presbyterian Church where she was historian and Sunday school teacher for many years. In addition to her parents, she was preceded in death by her husband, Rufford; granddaughter, Wendy Lee Corey, and a grandson-in-law, Carl Reed; eight brothers and sisters; and nephews and nieces.

It goes on to list everyone she was survived by, but that is an incredibly long list so I didn't add it. She will be missed by many!

Sad News

Today my Gigi passed away. She was 87 years old and had diabetes. She died in the hospital after having her leg removed. My grandma was there with her at the end, she says she was very quiet then started breathing heavily. And then she just stopped. Atleast they were together and she was there to hold her mom's hand and comfort her. So now we are heading to West Virgina for the funeral and to help get everything in order.

She was a wonderful woman and I'm really going to miss her. She taught me more about life and the Lord than anyone else as a child. She ran all of the children's programs at her church and volunteered for more causes than I can remember. She was so funny and so uplifting. I was so blessed to have known her.

Interesting Quote

I was reading an article about a discussion between a feminist and a religious mother of 11 about family size. It was an interesting article but I found a quote in the comments sections that I really liked.

"When I see my teen-age son come home from work and dance around the living room with the baby--kissing and cuddling her, I understand why teens are so lost today. They can't make these appropriate, intimate connections with another human being. There aren't any babies in their world."

(This is about the mother's baby, not the teenager's baby! The article is here: http://www.aish.com/spirituality/philosophy/Big_Families_Desired_or_Undesirable$.asp)

What a sweet mental picture this is. And another similar point - how many young wives know nothing about raising babes when they have their first. Wouldn't the experience be so much more enjoyable and less stressful if the parents had some experience?

Just wondering what you all think - Do babies improve a teens life or impose on it? I know some would make the argument that they shouldn't have to spend time "raising" their younger siblings.

And the article I linked above has some sweet (not rude) responses for when you are questioned about family size in case anyone is interested :)

I've Been Tagged!

Yay! Suzanne from http://thebeautyofitall-suzanne.blogspot.com/ tagged me! This is my first time being tagged (hers too!) so I am all excited :)

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

*Ashley Facts*

- I am absolutely completely hysterically afraid of needles. I mean it's out of control. My mom gave up on having me vaccinated after I was banned from my third doctor's office.

- *These were deleted at the request of my husband. They shared too much personal information*

- I got married when I was 16 to Justin, who lived down the street. Our moms also worked in the same office and our families were always together.

- Justin is a bit older than me and is often mistaken for my father by strangers.

- I failed my college courses this semester. I had straight A's and then I got into a funk over the miscarriages and stopped going. I've been dropped from the classes because of lack of attendance.

I'm tagging:

- http://antsonafarm.blogspot.com/
- http://www.xanga.com/homekeepingheart/
- http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/mamazee
- http://blessedfam.blogspot.com/
- http://preciousinhissite.blogspot.com/
- http://quiverfullfamily.com/blog/
- http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/weareqf/

Housing Issue

Today my husband ran into problems with our lender. We had locked in our rate last week and when we got our paperwork it is a half percentage higher than what we agreed on! Which is another $150 a month in interest. They are refusing to give us the rate that we agreed on before and my husband is saying that we won't buy the house with that rate. So it seems that we may not move forward with settlement. I'm not sure what we are going to do because our last day in this house is April 2nd. I hope that the lender acknowledges their mistake and fixes it. I was really getting excited about moving :(

Thank you!

Thank you ladies so much for your comments and support. I am feeling very encouraged by all of you, because in my heart I really want to try the medication(s). The main point is that the fetus is my child, as many of you pointed out. I would do anything to keep my other two girls alive and there shouldn't be a reason to neglect my unborn baby. I suppose it just felt like a gray area since it had to do with my fertility which we have always left up to the Lord before. We talked for a long time this afternoon about this and we have decided to go ahead and get the tests run to find out exactly what the problem is and what the best course of action will be. I am planning to call and make appointments tomorrow. I don't mean to rush things but I want to find out as much as we can before we get pregnant again (if we do).

I really appreciate all the comments and emails I got, you really helped to clear up some feelings for my husband and I. Thank you so much!

QF Advice Needed

I found out that yes, I was pregnant again after the miscarriage. But, it was a "chemical pregnancy," which just means that I miscarried really quickly. My doctor feels that these recurrent miscarriages are probably permanent because of the damage done to my reproductive system by the cancer and the treatment. I'm still getting pregnant, so I'm obviously able to get pregnant, just not stay pregnant. The doctor is suggesting fertility medications to help the baby to "stick."

We are so torn about what to do and we would really love some advice from other people living out the quiverfull conviction. On one hand, we are just talking about medication, not artificial insemination or anything. There are several parts in the Bible which discuss medication, and most Christians use various types on a regular basis. On the other hand, we have never planned to interfere by preventing a pregnancy. . . wouldn't it be hypocritical to interfere now that we aren't getting what we want? Or is it reasonable to use medication to correct a medical problem, even if it deals with fertility?

When I told my husband what the doctor had said he cried harder than I've ever seen him cry before, but considering I've only seen him cry twice before I guess that isn't saying much (well I'm not counting when we were kids and he would cry after getting hurt or something). I don't know if he was upset about me being so upset, the miscarriage, or the prospect of not having more children. . . probably all three. But, my husband is notoriously stoic - a rare full fledged grin sets my heart pounding, and this outward display of sorrow has left me with this almost hysterical need to please him even though I know I can't fix this problem on my own. To be completely honest I feel like I've failed him and I can hardly bring myself to look him in the eyes.

I know I am being ungrateful. I have two wonderful little girls and we are so blessed in so many ways. But we have such a strong desire for more children that I just don't know what to do. Any advice would really be welcome!

Possibly Potty Trained

Yesterday Cayly used her potty twice on her own. Usually I have to ask her every 15 minutes if she needs to use it and most of the time she sits there insisting she doesn't have to go. . . until I put her diaper back on of course. But twice she just got up and went into the bathroom, took off her clothes and went in the potty! She's done this a few times before so I tried not to get my hopes up too high.

But then today she used her potty all day. By the end of the day she was even pouring her mini potty into the big potty, flushing, and washing her hands on her own too. I put a diaper on for her to sleep in since she is still in a crib, but I'm really hoping that we are nearly finished with them!

Award Winning Husband

Today my husband was surprised at work with an award for excellence. Personally I wasn't surprised because I've always known there's no one better, but he was definitely shocked. He thought at first that he was in some sort of trouble because everyone was there, his co-workers, supervisors, and even the big wigs. It also came with a big bonus check, which we could definitely use right now with the move coming up. Isn't it amazing how God always takes care of us? Here we are trying to repress half-panicked thoughts on closing costs, moving companies, utility deposits, and my car problems and really there was never any reason to worry.

On a totally unrelated note, this week we are working on emotions in our little home preschool. So today we were looking up pictures of people online and Cayly was identifying their emotions. We were on Google Image Search and I had the safe search feature on. I searched for "sad child" and up came these pictures of children in third world countries suffering, one with his arm blown off, one lying on the ground dead, etc. I realize these are realities in the world but I don't want my two year old exposed to pictures like that! I was so upset with Google, why wouldn't safe search filter out violent pictures like that? I guess I will have to do a test run of searches I intend to use without her next time.

No More Credit Card Debt!

Today my DH told me that we finished paying off all of our credit card debt!!! Yay!!!

He thinks that in 2 years we should have the cars and student loans paid off. And 5 years after that, or 7 at the most, we should have the mortgage finished off.

I can't wait to be debt free!

Pregnancy Prayers

I just found out that my aunt Angel is pregnant! This will be her first child and they are very excited. However, it is a high risk pregnancy because she is a diabetic (the insulin injecting type). So I am praying for a healthy baby to come in October.

Earlier today we were visiting my grandma. She asked my husband and I to carry a dresser downstairs for her because she was giving it to charity. Well my husband absolutely refused to let me help and ended up dragging the thing downstairs and outside by himself. Now he's all sore, bruised and bumped. When I asked him why he wouldn't just let me help he told me that I had to be careful because I was pregnant. At first I thought he'd gone loopy and forgotten about the miscarriage. But he says that he is positive that I'm pregnant again and that he wants me to go to the doctor this week and find out for sure. I feel almost hysterically excited about this. He always tells me I'm pregnant long before I know, he says he can feel the difference almost immediately in my chest. I know that sometimes it can take awhile for the hormones to clear out after a miscarriage but he's never said this to me after the other two. And so I'm going to be calling the doctor first thing tomorrow morning. I'll keep everyone updated :)

Discipline Change

Today I implemented a new location for "time outs." Before I was having the girls go to their room for time out. I've been thinking about this lately and I didn't feel good about it. They have all sorts of comfy seating in there for reading, etc. Some punishment - Hey, did you just knock that vase over? Go get comfy and relax in peace while I clean it up. . . . It just didn't seem right.

So today I switched to standing in the corner. Just whichever corner is free in whichever room we happen to be in. I used it three times and I thought it worked well. It definitely seems more like "getting in trouble" to both me and Cayly. The child must stand still facing the corner for a bit. A bonus I didn't anticipate was having a better idea of when the time out should be over. I can now watch my child's body language and listen to her closely. Just by looking at her I can see if she's still tense, hear if she's still breathing angrily and I can make sure that she is doing what I told her to do. When she has calmed down and had time to think I can call her over to me and talk with her. If she still has an attitude of disobedience then I can send her back (that happened once today).

I have just started trying to seriously train her about a week ago. I can see such a vast improvement already, although we still have a ways to go. Right now I am just working to teach Abriana to obey "No." I think that is a good starting point for a babe 16 months old and I am able to really focus my efforts in on Cayly. But as time goes on I have to discipline her less often.

She was mildly out of control before. I had started out following "attachment parenting" principals, which I would not recommend. Yes, I will still breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, etc. but I was unhappy with the results of that type of discipline. Today we went to the dollar store and there was Easter candy and gifts everywhere. Two weeks ago she would have been trying to eat the candy and play with the gifts. Today she would ask me first if she could touch something or have something. When I told her no she didn't cry and she didn't whine and she didn't beg. She just walked along. I was amazed (this is our first outing since beginning training)!

Settlement

I just got my mail and there was a letter from the company building our new home. Our settlement date is set for March 31st! The house got done a month early because the weather has been so reasonable around here. Thank goodness our current home was only on the market for 6 days. I don't know if we would even be ready to settle otherwise!

I'm excited about moving but also a bit apprehensive. Our first home was a townhouse, so the house and yard are small and easy for me to manage. The new house is a single family home and it's about four times the size with a big yard. Yes, it will be nice to have more space. But how am I going to keep all of that up? Especially the yard because I sure don't like to cut the grass. And I don't think I'd like leaving the girls inside alone for so long while I cut it all. Right now it only takes a few minutes because of the yard size so I can zip in and out. But of course it will be lovely to have room to run around.

But besides worrying about my chores, I'm so excited to move. We will be close to some of my family. The area is clean and has low crime. It's a much better location then we are in now. I'm also excited because we will be near a Save-A-Lot and an Aldi's (discount grocery stores). We've driven by the church we'll be going to and it looks lovely. I'm sure it will all work out wonderfully. My DH hasn't lead me wrong yet. :)

Home Again

I just got home from the hospital. I ended up getting a really painful infection, but thankfully they were able to fix me up quickly. I only had to stay a couple of days but I missed the kids like crazy! I'm not used to being away from them for any length of time and I could hardly stand it. Now I've just got to take some antibiotics for a couple of weeks and I'll be right as rain.

College

I don't know if I've mentioned before on this blog, but I am in school full time. If I haven't written anything for a few days it's because I'm working on some assignment or project. For the first two years I went part time, so it took me two years to earn one year's worth of credits. School seemed to loom out ahead of me for so far into the future that I felt like giving up. Instead I decided to go full-time this year. It's hard and time consuming. Most days I hate it. But we consider it to be a necessary evil.

I have no serious plans to work outside the home. I am majoring in English and plan to get a teaching certificate. When my children are older I will most likely be homeschooling them. My husband thinks that perhaps I can tutor other children if we need a bit of extra money, but that will be decided when we get to that point. The real reason he wants me to get a degree is so that I have a safety net.

As I mentioned in my last post, my husband works very hard to support our family. But he worries that it isn't enough. He worries that one day he will be killed unexpectedly or injured and unable to work. He worries that he'll have a heart attack or cancer or any number of other illnesses. He knows that he would never leave us voluntarily, but eventually he will be called home to the Lord. If anything happens to him, he wants to be sure that I will be able to take care of the family. He has always been disturbed by the prospect of me marrying another man if he were to pass away, so he decided before we were even married that I would have to get a degree so that I could support our family by myself. And the sooner the better.

And so I trudge along working towards a degree that I have no real intention of "using." I think about all the corners I could be scrubbing and all the dresses I could be sewing if I didn't have to spend 40 to 50 hours a week doing on school work. (Yes, I daydream about cleaning - lol). But it gives my husband peace of mind, and now that I'm thinking about it seriously, it's really a good idea. You really never can know what God has planned for each of us, so it's foolish of me to picture my sweet love and I holding hands and rocking in our porch swing 70 years from now. Well, it's romantic but not practical. I thank the Lord that He sent me a man with a practical mind to balance my romantic one :)

We have chosen a teaching degree mainly because of the hours. I will still be able to be home with the children during summer and the spring & winter breaks. We'll have the same days off. We'll also have about the same hours, instead of the children having to go to daycare after school. I chose English because I have a serious love for reading and literature. I don't think it would be that bad. Perhaps I will use the degree someday, even if Justin is still as healthy as ever. Not until the children are grown of course, but still, it might be nice to be a teacher.

You would think that all this preparing for death would feel ominous and depressing. But in reality it is liberating. We don't fight over petty things or hold onto small but silly grudges. Who cares if the man never remembers to put his clothes in the laundry basket? One day I'll look at my bare floor and wish that he were here to mess it up. We don't obsess over material possessions. Who cares that my van is 10 years old? I'd rather have time with my husband while I can, instead of having him working overtime to buy me a new car. We cherish our time together everyday, and I'm not just saying that. Who cares if I'll have to drink two cups of coffee before I can even change out of my pajamas tomorrow morning? I'm going to hold my husband tonight and enjoy his touch while I still can.

And now I'm off to do my school work. I've got a project due Monday :)

My Husband

I was just thinking about my husband and how incredibly incredible he is. He left a few minutes ago to go meet with the builders of our new house and talk to them about some problems we have with the house. Yesterday he got off of work at 6 a.m. after working for 16 hours. When he got home he stayed up talking to me until the girls woke up and then he played with them, ate breakfast with us and we have a family devotional. He slept for a few hours and got up to go to the polls. He stayed all day because he was working as an election judge and the poll hours were unexpectedly extended to 9:30 p.m. When he was done with that he went back to work and worked until 9 a.m. He came home for breakfast and a devotional, etc. and then left again for the meeting with the builders. Even after he gets home he will only have a few hours to sleep because he has another appointment at 3 p.m., followed by work, followed by a doctor's appt tomorrow. And there is a thick layer of ice outside and the poor guy slipped and hurt his knee!

Justin is such a hardworking man. And I never hear him complain about it. Whether he's gotten 10 hours of sleep or 3, he just gets up and gets ready to go. He works long hours at a job that most would run from. He works for the government and I won't go into details, but his work requires that he meets with a therapist atleast once a week because the rate of mental breakdown in their line of work is so high. He has check-ups done once a month to check for high blood pressure, heart problems, and other conditions brought on by stress. And I almost never hear any complaints out of him, unless he has gone through an especially traumatic incident and needs to discuss it with me. I know other men would give up and quit. But he works hard and he is always working overtime & never asks me to get a job instead.

Not that being a housewife isn't a hard time. But compartively I feel like I have nothing to complain about. Whenever I start to feel that woe-is-me attitude and want to complain about him sleeping so much (he usually sleeps 10 hours a day) or something I just remember that he gives everything to provide for our family. Yes, managing a household is time consuming and stressful at times, but it is a cake walk compared to what my husband does everyday.

Anyways, I love him and I think he rocks so I thought I'd blog about him :)

Miscarriage

Unfortunately we have had another miscarriage. This is our third one since Abriana was born alittle over a year ago. It was a few days ago but I've been putting off posting about it. I guess it feels like once I announce it and change my profile, etc. it'll really be real. I'm not angry just sad and disapointed. I am moping around and slacking on my chores but overall we are getting along fine. I know that God doesn't like to cause us pain and sorrow (Lamentations 3:33). I think I need to stop expecting to have more children, God is under no obligation to give me any. I need to come to terms with the fact that I may be done having children, not just say but accept it in my heart. Of course I will always be open to having another child, I would be thrilled to no end. But assuming that God will be me a child simply because I want one and we don't use birth control is wrong. I shouldn't assume to know the will of God or what His plans for me and my farmily are. It is of course also a comfort to know that my child is in Heaven waiting for me. This isn't the end of our relationship - just a hiatus.

R.I.P. Sweet Love

Contest

I heard about a contest from http://www.homesteadblogger.com/sheepyhollowfarmers that I wanted to share for anyone who hasn't heard about it. You can find the contest at http://themodestboutique.blogspot.com/ .

Come take a peek,
at the Modest Boutique.
Dresses, tops, skirts and more,
Graceful, feminine fashions galore.
~~~
Dear Customers and window shoppers,
The Modest Boutique offers new to nearly new modest, feminine and graceful apparel for women, teens and children.
Modesty today is a lost virtue. The bare minimums are the norm and sadly, what sells in our nation. I am excited to offer clothing that will prayerfully be a treasure and a blessing to customers!

2nd and 3rd Prize - Store Credit Coupons!
Grand Prize - SURPRISE!

Flowers

Today my husband brought me a bouquet of sunflowers. I absolutely love flowers! I set the vase on the breakfast bar so you can see them from the kitchen, family room, and dining room. Also, the girls can't reach them up there and pull all the petals off. But now that I'm sitting in the study working on the computer I have moved them in here. When I go to sleep I'll move them to my bedroom. I just can't get enough of them!

My husband buys me flowers once every week or so. They aren't to say I'm sorry, they aren't to say anything really. He just knows that I love flowers and seeing them brightens my day. While it is true that having flowers around makes me smile, what I really love about them is what they represent to me in our relationship. They are something that is unnecessary, I could certainly live my life without them. And yet my husband always manages to find the money to buy them for me. He doesn't do it for any specific reason and he doesn't expect anything in return. He just wants to do something nice for me and to see me smile. It is his way of showing me how much he loves me, appreciates me and knows me.

So many people assume that by submitting to my husband I am allowing him to control and abuse me (mentally if not physically). To me the flowers represent how wrong these people are. You get what you give in a marriage. If you put out negativity, that's what you'll get back. But, if you love and respect your husband and show him everyday, you are going to get love and respect right back (unless your husband is abusive, which is an entirely different conversation). When I have guests over who comment on the flowers they are always surprised to hear that I get flowers all the time. They usually talk about how jealous they are and how they wish their husband would do nice things for them. But I doubt my husband would want to spend his time and money on doing something nice for me if I was always bickering with him, complaining, nagging and upsetting him. He does it because I please him, and in return he wants to please me.

I'm not saying that a wife is doing something wrong if she isn't getting flowers all the time. Perhaps your husband is the type to stand on the rooftop and shout out his love for you so that everyone can hear it. Mine is not. Perhaps your husband shows his appreciation for you by caring for the kids so you can go out or have some alone time. But, I don't like to be away from them. Perhaps he gives you long massages or takes you on warm vacations. Each couple is different so the "random acts of kindness" will vary for each relationship. But I know that getting flowers always makes me appreciate my husband even more than I already did.

Last week my husband bought me these white lilies. I was so happy! Then the next day I wanted to make him his favorite meal. In return he did the dishes for me. I hate doing the dishes, so this makes me happier than ever. So the next day I take the time to starch and iron his work clothes. He goes to work looking uber professional and is so pleased when he comes home that he cooks dinner for me while I have time to catch up on some sewing projects. I finally get finish a little nightie I've been meaning to surprise him with, which I finally get to show off that night. And on and on the cycle of love and appreciation goes.

Quiverfull

This past weekend we told our families that we are expecting our third child. There was a lot of shock, some lecturing, and very little joy. This seems to be a common theme in our society today. The first child is a blessing. After that it's all downhill. More children are seen as an unnecessary burden. When did this attitude take hold? One question we have gotten several times is why do we need so many children?

We don't NEED more children. We would get on fine with the two we have. We WANT more children. God gives us children as a BLESSING, not a burden! And why would we want to turn away from a blessing that He desires to give us? He has always taken care of us and provided for us in the past, why would he stop now? With 3 children or 13 I know we will always have what we need. Some Christians claim to trust God, they claim to submit to Him, yet they refuse to turn over this part of their lives to Him. We know that He has a plan for us and for each of our children. I know a woman with 11 children. They are all grown now, and the youngest one is in her twenties. She travels all over the world spreading the word of God. She has helped hundreds of people come to know the Lord. Can you imagine if after her second child she had decided to take control away from God? All of these people may have never come to know and love Christ.

When we first got married this was a highly debated subject. My husband has never thought that birth control was even an option for us. I was not so sure. I was 16 years old! If we had a child every year for our fertile years we could end up with 30 children! I'll admit that sometimes I still get nervous thinking about how many children I could have. But the fact is that I have no idea how many children I'll have. After my two miscarriages I realized that I may never have more children. God's plan may be for me to only have the two girls I have now, I have no way of knowing. All this time I've been assuming that I would have many children because we don't use birth control, but that may not be the case. Many couples out there desire to have children but are infertile. If the Lord decides we have had enough children that will be something we will have to accept. Just as we do not interfere with God's plan by using birth control, we also would not use infertility treatments. That is something I am working on now, trusting God without ever assuming I know what He will do.

I would like to share some Bible verses that helped my husband become convicted in this area, who in turn helped me. This is not meant to be an inclusive list, just some that come to mind. I am using a KJV Bible.

Genesis 1:28: And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

Genesis 17:16: And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

Genesis 30:2: And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

Deuteronomy 7:14: Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.

1 Chronicles 26:4-5: Moreover the sons of Obededom were, Shemaiah the firstborn, Jehozabad the second, Joah the third, and Sacar the fourth, and Nethaneel the fifth. Ammiel the sixth, Issachar the seventh, Peulthai the eighth: for God blessed him.

Job 5:25: Thou shalt know also that thy seed shall be great, and thine offspring as the grass of the earth.

Psalm 127: Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

Psalm 128: Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways. For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD. The LORD shall bless thee out of Zion: and thou shalt see the good of Jerusalem all the days of thy life. Yea, thou shalt see thy children's children, and peace upon Israel.

Proverbs 17:6: Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers.

Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

I find this last one really speaks to me. God knows your children before they are conceived. They are people and God has a plan for each of them. When you refuse to give birth to a child you are interfering with God's plans. Open your hearts and womb to the blessings of the Lord!

I could go on with more Bible verses and discussion on infertility treatments, birth control, abortificants, etc. but I need to get my smallest sweet love ready for her nap. Plus that'll leave something for me to discuss later :)

Justin's Job

Today my sweet love got some troubling news. His work hired too many people thinking that some wouldn't make it through training or would quit soon after from the stress. Unfortunately that didn't happen. So now everyone's hours are being cut. Our income is going to be cut in half because of the change in differential and shortage of hours. This is happening just as we head towards settlement on our new house. Justin is feeling really stressed and upset (as am I). He said that perhaps this is God trying to tell us not to buy our new house. In response I said that I felt it was more probable that God is trying to show him that this is not the right job for him. Not only is it extremely stressful, it's going to be over an hour from our new home. We will pray about it and see what we can come up with. Something is going to have to change!

Check-up

Today I went to see my doctor for my final post-op check-up. Last fall I had surgery to remove some melanoma spots. He said all the wounds are healing well. When they were new some of them got infected and split open, causing the wounds to be three times the size they should be. Some others were infected and it ate a hole in my skin, so now I have craters where it should be smooth. He said that because the scars are caused by an infection my insurance company said they would cover plastic surgery to reduce the ugliness. But since I'm pregnant I would have to wait until next year anyways. I told him I doubt that I would be back. I hate needles and I had a hard enough time getting this done the first time to save my life so I can't imagine going back for purely cosmetic reasons! I'm glad everything is almost healed and this is almost over :)

Biblical Submission

I found an article at http://frugalabundance.com/biblicalsubmission.htm today that I wanted to share. It's about what the Bible has to say about a wife submitting to her husband. It says exactly how I feel about the subject. We are not doormats, we are not a lesser being. We simply have different roles. I thought it was well written too - so here it is!

What Is Biblical Submission?
Over the years I've received lots of questions asking what biblical submission means to me over the years. I've tried to write articles about it, but they all wound up in the delete box because I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say. I'm going to give it another try and hopefully this time the Lord will help me work out what to write. Remember, this is only what it means to me. This isn't necessarily 100% correct and it isn't necessarily the way anyone else would explain it. What follows is purely my opinion.
The bible clearly instructs wives to be submissive to their husbands.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; (Eph 5:22-25)
and also:
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. (Col 3:18-19)
There are other verses too, but these are the main ones. As I see it these verses are telling me to submit to Fred. They are not saying that all women should submit to all men and that men should rule the world. On the contrary, these verses are very specific that the only man I need to submit to is my husband. As luck would have it, the only man I respect enough to submit to happens to be the same one I married. That means that when I am out and about in the world and some other guy tells me to do something I am not obligated to listen to him at all. He has no authority over me. Only Fred does.
But what type of authority does my husband have? What exactly does it mean to submit? Does it mean that I have to join one of those shady adult groups where women wear collars? Does it mean I have to obsequiesly say "Yes Sir" after every statement that comes out of darling hubby's mouth? Does it mean that I am not "allowed" to make decisions about the household or our kids myself? No, on all accounts. All of these are examples of what I call False Submission. On the surface they may seem submissive but if you delve a little deeper they are worldy trappings and have nothing to do with genuine, heart felt, biblical submission.
Submission means I take out the trash instead of making Fred do it. Fred hates to take out the trash. We both know it's his job. We both know he will put it off forever and a day. We both know that I will get mad and nag him and he will get mad and put it off even longer. This goes on and on and all it does is breed contempt between us. So the solution is that I take out the trash and don't bother him about it. This is a generous gift that I give to my Darling Husband. I do one of his chores for him becasue he hates it and when I do it the houshold runs smoother. Well, this turns out to have long lasting ramifications. I take out the trash for him and he makes coffee every morning for me. Wow, how cool is that? I do something nice for him and he feels all thankful and well cared for and so he does something nice for me. That's the way it's supposed to work in a marriage right? So then I am feeling cherished so I make sure his socks are matched since I want to be good to him because he makes such good coffee. Fred is not particularly talented at matching socks, so I do it for him and it saves him time and anguish when he gets ready for work. Then, since it's so easy for him to get to work when he's called out in the middle of the night that when he gets home the next morning he brings me a country ham biscuit from Hardees. Yummy, I love country ham biscuits, especially when I don't have to make them myself. So while he's sleeping I am feeling sweet spirited towards him and make his favorite roast for supper. When he wakes up to a house filled with the aroma of a yummy roast he decides he'll take a few minutes and gas up my car before dinner. Then I find my gas tank full the next time I take the boys to Karate so I think of something else to be good to him. When people are nice to us it makes us want to be nice back.
Like dominoes it continues on and on and on. But just like dominoes, someone has to start it. When I am being a submissive wife, I take the responsibility to start the domino effect. I don't wait around feeling unloved and nagging my hubby for not taking out the trash. I don't think up ways to trick him into doing it either. I claim my role as a wife, I take out the trash myself, and I start the domino effect of kindness. This is the first thing that being submissive means to me.
The next thing it means is that I let Fred have his way when we disagree. And I do it with a loving spirit. I don't hold a grudge and make him pay later on by doing something sneaky to take out my resentment. When we discuss things Fred and I are on equal footing. I am not lower than him. He is not higher than me. We are one flesh, equally discussing the options available. I tell him what I think. He tells me what he thinks. We list the pros and cons and then make a decision. I let him know the decision I prefer, and he takes that into consideration. Usually he agrees with me. But not always. And when he doesn't agree with me I remind myself that I am an adult and I do not always get my way. I do not throw a childish temper tantrun, instead I move forward in faith that Fred is doing what he believes is right for the whole family. I could put my foot down and do a mad dance. I could snidely insult him in front of company or put him down in public. I could undermine his authority in front of the children. That wouldn't build up our marriage though, and it would dimish the trust we have worked to establish. It would make the next family decision harder to make, and would more than likely create household tension that makes everyone unhappy. I don't want to live that way.
Submitting means trusting that my husband has my best interest at heart and doing everything I can to build him up and show him his value in our household. He sacrifices his life force for us. He goes to work and listens to foolish bosses tell him irresponsible things and he holds his tongue. He never gets enough sleep and his hearing has diminished and his health has taking a beating. He does this for me and for our family. He gives up so much of himself so that we will be well provided for. It seems to me that if I were making these kinds of sacrifices that I would deserve a little respect around the house. But I'm not making these sacrifices. Instead I'm sacrificing my own selfish desire to be right when it comes time to make an important decision. Why do you think women live longer than men? It's because sacrificing one's ego for the family is a lot easier than sacrificing one's health and one's body for the family.
Another thing submitting means to me is that I know my role in the family and I am happy and satified in it. The wife's role in a family has to be custom designed for each family. What works for us will probably not work for everyone else. The generalities may be the same but the details will be different. For instance in our family I am the spokesperson. I have no problems with public speaking but Fred gets the sweats when he has to speak in public. I can stand in front of a crowd and talk all day, but Fred is better in small groups. Even though men are traditionally the spokespeople for their families it doesn't mean that my family is doing it wrong. We are doing it the way that is best for our family and I think that's okay. God created both Fred and I so that our strengths and weaknesses would compliment eachother. Where I have weaknesses Fred has strengths and vice versa. We are more whole together than we are apart.
Part of my role is to be the primary care giver to the kids and to take care of the household. I do it the best I can, sometimes with more skill than other times. Fred rarely quesitons me about the way I handle things with the kids or the house, and when he does, it is usually motivated by curiosity. If he needs something to be done differently he tells me and I try to accomodate him. When I need him to do something for me, like build a clothesline or wash the cars, he tries to accomodate me too.
I have heard submission described as being similar to military rank. The General gives orders to the Major and the Major gives orders to the Captain and on and on down the chain. The Major doesn't deliberately subvert the General and the Captain doesn't deliberately subvert the Major. If they did then the chain of command would break down and nothing would run smoothly. While I don't agree with this analogy 100%, I do believe that it is a short and easy way to explain the way things are supposed to work in a marriage. Sometimes a difficult decision must be made and someone has to make it. I'm not sure I want the responsibility of being that person on my hands. When things go wrong the person who made the decision has to take responsibility for all of the problems that result from it. I respect Fred for being willing to take that responsibility on his shoulders and I am thankful for the fact that I am not burdened with that same responsibility. It gives me lots of extra time to be able to do things like teach the kids, do the laundry, build websites and sew headcoverings.
My intention with this little article is to explain things as I understand them. You may or may not agree, that is okay. Hopefully this explanation has helped in some way.

Now Listen to Me, Mother

It's really snowing today! Not just itty bitty flakes but real snow! We are expecting 3 to 5 inches, which is not a lot, but it's enough to play in. Now, me personally, I hate being in the snow. I would hole up and read in front of the fireplace all day long if it were up to me. But I know how much fun the kids will have playing in it. I love to look at it . . . I'd just prefer to not touch it. Everything looks so tranquil and lovely with snow on it. Praise the Lord for the beauty in this world.

So, right now is Abriana's nap time. I'm inside and watching Cayly play out on the deck. I started to feel bad that she had to play out in the cold alone so I grabbed the baby monitor and went out to be with her. As soon as she heard the door open she spun around and put her hands on her hips.

Cayly: "Hey! What are you doing here?"

Mommy: "Coming to play with you. Are you having fun?"

Cayly (scowling alittle): "Now listen to me, Mother. It's too cold out here and you are tired. You need to go back inside."

Talk about an unwelcome guest! Oh well, I really wanted to be in here anyways :) It's so fun to watch the games she comes up with on her own. I can't wait to take the babe out when she gets up!

Prayers of a Child

I pray with my children atleast once a day. Abriana isn't saying more than a few words right now, but she still sits with Cayly and I while we pray aloud. Sometimes we are just praying to ask for something, such as patience when Abriana is pitching a fit. But for our bedtime prayers I have a simple template that we use every night and Cayly adds her personal touch to it. It goes like this:

Mommy & Cayly (fold hands): "Dear God, Please forgive my sins."

Cayly: "I'm sorry I ________ ."

Mommy: "And I'm sorry that I ________ ."

Mommy & Cayly: "Thank you for the wonderful day."

Cayly: "I'm so happy that _________ ."

Mommy: "And I'm so happy that ________ ."

Mommy & Cayly: "Please bless Daddy."

Cayly: "Please bless ________ and ________," etc.

Mommy: "And please bless Cayly." (and anyone important she left out - like Abriana)

Mommy & Cayly: "In Jesus name we pray, Amen."

Last night she asked me who the man in the pictures at Nana's house was because she wanted to bless him. I told her and she said "Please bless cawol." It touched my heart because Carl died last year. After we were done praying she asked me where "Cawol" lived. I told her he lives with Jesus. She said, "I love Jesus." "I love Him, too," I told her and kissed her goodnight. Then I left the room and cried. If only we could all have such sweet angel babies praying for our souls.

R.I.P. Carl Anthony Reed, Jr.
I don't know if I'll ever stop missing you. I don't even know if I want to.

Lying

Now I don't claim to be perfect. The name of my blog is helpmeet in training for a reason. I hope venting on here will keep me from venting at my DH.

Yesterday was the 14th, and there was a Kyle XY marathon on leading up to the season premiere. My husband knows that I like to watch this show so he told me that I could watch the marathon. He was off of work last night so he said he would pick up the house and wash the dishes while he was home and the rest of us were sleeping. This was really a treat for me because I never watch television during the day, let alone an entire marathon!

But when I woke up this morning everything was still in chaos. My DH was sleeping on the couch. When I woke him up he just got up and went to sleep in the bedroom. He is still there sleeping. This means that he slept from 2 p.m. yesterday afternoon until after 10 a.m. (and still going). I woke him a few minutes ago to ask him when he needed to be at work and he told me, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

I feel so upset because he lied to me. I would never have chosen to be lazy all day yesterday if he had not promised to clean during the night. And now he doesn't even feel bad enough about it to wake up long enough to say he is sorry. He only has one day off this week and he is spending the entire time sleeping. I wish he would atleast get up and play with the girls. He usually sleeps about 10 hours each day, so it isn't likely that he is completely exhausted!

I wanted to take the girls to the Christian bookstore today. I wanted to take them outside to play in the snow flurries. Instead we have to spend all day cleaning up yesterday's mess. We are having a miserable day because I am so upset and grouchy about this. I know in the scheme of life this is no big deal. It's really just the fact that he looked me in the eye and promised to do it that is really bothering me. Lord help me to just let it go.

Missing Church

Recently we left the Catholic Church. Since we are moving in a few months (when our house is finished) we have not joined another as of yet. We are planning to join the Evangelical Lutheran Church a few miles from our home-to-be. Until then my husband has decided that we will attend the non-demonational church near our current home.

This is the second week in a row that I have failed him in this aspect. Last week we were blessed that my husband was home in time for church. He works nights and is only home for church about half of the time. Unfortunately, on the way there the children were acting up in the back seat. When I was unable to get them under control my husband decided we could not take them to church this way. I felt terrible that I had not yet trained my children to obey my husband and I in the car. At home they are better, but in the car there is a complete lack of control. My husband and I are praying on how to better this situation. If anyone has any tips that do not include food please let me know.

Today my hardworking husband will not be home until after lunch. I tried to get the girls ready for church on my own, but I was unsuccessful. When I realized that there was only ten minutes until the service began and we still weren't ready yet I gave up. At this particular church you have to be there about 15 minutes early to check your children into their children's program. They are checked in electronically, the parents & children are labeled (to avoid kidnapping) and the parents are assigned a pager (in case the children need you during the service). The morning just did not go as I had planned. First, my dress had fallen to the floor and was a wrinkled mess, so I had to iron it. I had run out of soap in the shower and had to spend 10 minutes trying to figure out where I had put the extras while dripping water all over the place. The girls had knocked the toothpaste into the trash and it took me forever to figure that one out! And every time I thought I made progress in getting the girls ready one of them would need a diaper change. I changed four messy diapers while getting ready to go. Undressing, changing and then dressing them again takes so much time! And I am slowed a bit by morning sickness, especially when trying to cook breakfast. Before I knew it the whole morning had passed by and we had missed church again.

I was very upset and disappointed in myself. Actually, I was feeling sorry for myself. My 2 year old, Cayly (or KiKi as she is currently requesting), noticed right away. I was sitting on the couch frowning while reading the Bible and she came over to me and wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me and stroked my hair like I do for her when she is upset. She kept telling me that it was okay and she loved me very much. What a wonderful sweet little girl! She was right of course. I put on some gospel music and read to them from the Bible. I know that God sees what is in my heart and knows I have not abandoned the Church. Praise the Lord for my thoughtful children - where would I be without them?

Welcome to the Grand Opening!!!

After the encouragement I've received from my husband, I have decided to start my own blog. I am definitely a fan of blogs and I read various ones regularly. I've just never taken the time to create one myself. There's no better time than the present, especially since I'm up at 3 o'clock in the morning just waiting for the sun to rise. I almost never get much sleep on Saturday nights. . . I'm too excited for church in the morning!

This blog is going to be about my life serving God and my husband. For the first few years of our marriage I had a serious Jezebel complex (more on this later). After reading the Bible several times and praying on the issues we had been having, I have had a change in heart. I am currently working everyday to become a wonderful helpmeet for my loving, patient, and deserving husband.

When I am not doting on my husband and children I spend most of my time studying. I am in college full time. I also make crafts for my family and to sell (thank you Proverbs 31 for the inspiration!). I love to cook (especially when my girls are helping), garden, shop, and care for my home. Every day is such a blessing and I'm glad to have somewhere to record the things that happen. Time is so fleeting, and I want to use this blog to capture some memories as well as help me continue serving God and my husband.

Thank you for reading :)