Shutting Down

Today was my 4th wedding anniversary. It was the single worst day of my life.

It really started on Thursday night when my husband didn't come home from work. The next day he sent me a text message saying he stayed at a friends house and they were going to the Orioles game. And then he didn't come home again Friday night. Saturday was Passover and the girls and I were waiting all day for him to come pick us up and take us to the Seder. He finally came and got us but we didn't get there until 7 p.m., about 6 hours late. Today he was taking a shower when his phone starts going off and when I pick it up there is a text message from a phone number that isn't programmed into his phone. It says "I want to hang out" and then a winking face. It seemed weird to me that someone who knows him well enough to want to hang out wouldn't be programmed in his phone because even the Dominos is programmed in there. So I interrupted his shower because I had such a strange urgent feeling about it. He saw me holding his phone and I could literally see the panic on his face before I had even said anything. I knew then. He didn't even have to tell me.

And so after a short confrontation I lost it. I hit him and I hit him until he fell over. And then I kicked him too until I saw the water running down the drain was red. And then of course I felt awful and insane and I laid down on the floor and cried for a long time. I don't condone domestic violence in any situation and I can only be grateful that he didn't retaliate or call the police.

And to pour salt in an open wound I know this woman, Amanda. She's sat at my dinner table, she's played with our children and she even came over to help me keep up with the house when I was going through cancer treatment. What a lovely woman, I always thought, so hardworking and generous. I know her boyfriend and now I wonder if he knows. And can you believe it - she's an amputee, she's only got one real leg. It didn't even take a whole woman to take Justin from me.

I'm not planning to try and work things out with Justin. How could he trust me after I attacked him like that? How could I ever let him out of my sight without wondering if he's got his pants on? I literally feel like an entire part of me is gone, like we really were one flesh and he's been ripped out of me. It's amazing how sad I feel, I've never felt anything close, not even at a funeral of a friend or family member. I really loved him with my whole heart, it wasn't just something I put on for this blog. And I would have bet, not only my own life, but the lives of our children that this would never happen to us. Oh no, it couldn't ever happen to me! Not when I try to hard to make him happy. It just couldn't. Why would he not want a woman who plans every moment of her day around him, who thinks of things she could do to help him in her spare time instead of talking on the phone or watching television? Who literally makes notes of what he says about the food she makes just so she can try to do better the next day or remember what he likes? Who lets him have all the freedom he wants to go to games or bars with friends and never lays a guilt trip on him? Who never questions his decisions and never argues or back talks? Who trains their children to be well behaved and respect him and be thrilled nearly to pieces every time they see him? Who never complained about living off of four hours of sleep every night so she stay up to please him and never once rolled her eyes with irritation when he came to her?

He says it started out as just coworkers hanging out. Who can resist an amputee I always say. I guess he had no choice. It seems like the harder I tried to submit to him the more he took advantage of me. "Of course I can stay the night, Ashley won't say anything." "Of course we can go to bed together, Ashley won't question me." What was I thinking? Here I was trying to live a heavenly marriage and I was just pushing him down the path of sin. I guess I had it wrong after all.

I feel so bad for the children. Here I am thinking about what blessings children are and wanting to bring more into the world. Well, it turns out the world is a living hell and I feel so sorry that I got them into this. I've never wanted anything but happiness for them and now I've failed at that too. The poor things spent the day wiping tears off my cheeks and asking me to stop crying. My father used to say "Everybody sucks and everybody lies" and I was naive enough to think he was just pessimistic. Not my husband, I thought, who loves me like Christ loves the Church.

When Justin heard that I was not considering staying together he got upset too and called me names I've never heard him say before to anyone and left for his parents house saying never to call him or email him or text him again and that he never wanted to see us for the rest of his life. And just this morning he was making love to me and telling me how much he needs me. Just this morning he played football with the girls and smooched and sung to Lump (which is what we call unborn babies). What a difference 12 hours can make. Luckily I have a prenump entitling me to enough money to live on but I can't file for divorce for two years here in Pennsylvania. If only we hadn't moved two weeks ago, or I had found out before we settled on this place . . .

And so I am shutting down the blog. Obviously it makes no sense for me to keep a blog about trying to be a helpmeet when I have failed miserably. I don't have to energy to moderate comments, so if you have comments waiting to be published (there are quite a few) you are out of luck. Sorry and thanks for reading everyone. Most of you were very supportive during the short time I had this blog. And I'm sorry this post was so long.